Low libido: What causes it and how to boost it

We might talk about it, but it seems we aren’t doing it, with research suggesting we are having less sex than we’ve had for decades. A study published last year in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reported that Americans were having 15% less sex now than in the 1990s. But is our sex life suffering from the modern-day lament of being too busy and too tired, or is there something more significant at play?

It’s easy to become too mentally exhausted to think about – let alone prioritize – sex. “We know that distractions kill the fire,” says Nina Brochmann, co-author of The Wonder Down Under with Ellen Støkken Dahl, who both specialize in sexual health education. Our digital connectivity is unquestionably eating away at our mental and physical connections, and the basic rules of sleep make sense for our love lives, too. Try instilling a digital sunset from 9pm, where all screens are closed and left outside the bedroom in order to avoid falling down the endless rabbit holes they present. “It’s important to talk to your partner and clear a space in your schedule, without cell phones, computers or Netflix, in order to simply reconnect,” says Støkken Dahl.

According to Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, prioritizing sex is key because the romantic notion that good sex simply happens is often why it’s not happening. She urges couples to question the myth of spontaneity: “Whatever is going to ‘just happen’ in a long-term relationship already has,” she says in the conclusion of her Ted Talk, The secret to desire in a long-term relationship. “Committed sex is premeditated sex: it’s intentional, it’s focus and presence.” Mentally setting the intention is often necessary in a world where home- and work-life collide and travel commitments can often leave partners feeling like passing ships in the night.

Other modern libido-killers, namely stress and sleepless nights, aren’t such easy fixes. “They are the most common reasons for loss of libido: if you’re anxious, exhausted and not sleeping, you are unlikely to want to have sex,” explains Dr Lauren Streicher, Medical Director of the Northwestern Medicine Center for Sexual Medicine and Menopause in Chicago. While both chronic stress and insomnia need to be dealt with, reframing how you view your sex life can help navigate times when intercourse is not on the menu. “I’m always reminding women that you can have sexual activity without intercourse,” says Dr Streicher. “You don’t have to have intercourse for pleasure or to achieve an orgasm or to feel close with your partner. Reframing ‘sex’ and intimacy in this way can be a relief.”

“Sex is often incorrectly described as a ‘drive’, which is misleading,” says Brochmann. “The traditional sexual response model, which gained traction in the 1970s, was largely based on the male experience: spontaneous physical arousal, linked directly to desire. But a lot of women experience responsive desire: they need to be mentally aroused before they’re able to feel physically aroused, both ultimately feeding into an overall feeling of desire,” says Støkken Dahl. “Setting aside time to rediscover your body and feelings of pleasure through masturbation can help spark desire and allows you to take it at your own pace,” says Brochmann. This can boost confidence as well as continue the journey of sexual discovery that can help alleviate the monotony associated with monogamy.

“Desire and libido in women is multi-factorial,” explains Dr Streicher. Dips in both can be the result of anything from menopause and periods of depression to intense stress or taking a new prescription drug – even something as common as hormonal contraception. “Most women take birth control with no problems,” says Dr Streicher. “But there is a real contingent that experience a significant loss of desire or develop vaginal dryness. I often recommend switching to an implant, which is a progesterone IUD and doesn’t have the same effect on libido.”

Fluctuations in desire are common and there are times when it’s natural for your libido to hit rock bottom, but it’s important to be honest with yourself. “A low libido is only really a problem if it’s distressing you or your partner,” says Dr Streicher. A notable or sudden decrease in desire can be a symptom that something else is wrong, whether it’s work-related stress, chronic anxiety, low self-esteem or a shift in a relationship, and it takes bravery – and often therapy – to confront that.