3 Writers On The Joys And Challenges Of Motherhood
From how their perspectives on parenting have changed to where they have found their greatest sources of support, three writers reflect on their own paths into motherhood
Nefertiti Austin, author and memoirist, who has two children aged nine and 15
On her journey into motherhood
“At some point, it just made sense to me that I would adopt. I was raised by grandparents, so I already knew that a family didn’t have to look a certain way. Somewhere around my mid-thirties, something came over me; I just had this desire to be a mother, and I wanted to be a mom more than I wanted a husband. Something inside of me was like, ‘It’s time.’ I tell my kids that they chose me. They know I had to go through a whole process, but ultimately they chose me and I’m grateful that I get to be the one to shepherd them along the journey.”
On the challenges
“I think the fear of the unknown in our community was much stronger than I anticipated. I was really surprised at how traditional we are and the fears that people [were] quick to impose upon my decision.
“Also, it would have been helpful to know how strongly race was going to factor in to raising both children, but especially in raising a Black son. The stuff that comes out in the world, like the murder of Trayvon Martin, shakes me. I didn’t know that I would become a parent who parented from a space of fear and that I would be incredibly protective, and even more so because he’s 15 now and I’m on heightened alert. When he’s out in the world, it’s not ‘might’, it’s ‘when he will be mistreated’. The type of stuff my son endured from kindergarten, I was totally unprepared to have to deal with, [like speaking to] teachers and administrators and saying, ‘Look, when you use words like aggressive, when you use words like angry, you set a whole thing in motion, and it’s your perception.’”
On the positives
“I think that knowing I’m responsible for other people has made me more intentional. It made me more focused on my dreams and how I could use these to support the household, not just financially but emotionally. [My kids] certainly matured me and really helped push me into [becoming] the person I wanted to be.”
On the support
“My family includes a whole bunch of friends, so we have community, we have a village that has been super-supportive. I think the quality of what I have been able to do wouldn’t have been there without the support of my friends. It’s important to seek it out; that’s something I tell adoptive parents all the time. There’s no excuse not to have that community.”
Austin is the author of Motherhood So White: A Memoir Of Race, Gender and Parenting in America
Jen Brister, comedian and writer, who has twin sons aged seven
On her path into motherhood
“I look back at my route to motherhood and often think that it could quite easily have never happened. When conception doesn’t occur ‘naturally’, a lot is left to chance. Anyone who has had to conceive using a clinic will know that the science involved with getting a woman pregnant isn’t exactly accurate. IVF can be stressful and all-consuming for couples, and most of the time it feels like everyone is just guessing as to whether or not more hormones will work, or steroids might help, or ‘have you tried waving a lucky heather in the air at midnight?’ At points we were so convinced it would never happen that when my partner finally did get pregnant, neither of us had really considered what being parents might actually mean.”
On the positives
“It’s an eye-rolling cliché, but there are so many things I just don’t care about anymore, mainly because I’m knackered. If I start to feel a bit overwhelmed, I remind myself that as long as my children are healthy and happy, everything else can take a back seat. To be honest, it’s been great for me as a comedian, because I have spent a lot less time worrying about whether the audience likes me. None of it matters anymore because I’ve got two little heartbeats in my house that have forced me out of my self-absorption and made me focus on something more important: them.”
And the challenges
“Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when I’ve thought, ‘What, every day you’re here? You never just pop to the shops?’ The relentlessness of parenting is sometimes overwhelming, particularly when you’re juggling work, relationships etc.”
On the surprises
“I had no idea I was going to love my children as much as I do. I realize that might sound odd, but as the ‘other mother’ with no biological connection to my sons, I had a lot of neurosis before they were born. What if I didn’t like them? What if they didn’t like me? Would I have to pretend? Because I’m really bad at pretending. Of course, I fell for them and that bond or connection that I feared might never happen kicked in very quickly. They’re seven now and I can’t believe I was ever worried about it.”
On how her perspective of motherhood has changed
“I’m a lot more pragmatic and a lot less judgmental of other parents and myself. I don’t think you have to get it right all the time. You can’t, so don’t stress about it. Being a parent is a journey – and a bumpy one at that. We’re all winging it, but as long as we can remain open to learning, lean in to empathy, not judgement, and keep listening to our children, then I think we’re doing A-OK.”
Brister is the author of The Other Mother: A Wickedly Honest Parenting Tale for Every Kind of Family
Dominique Afacan, journalist and author, who has a one-year-old son
On her journey into motherhood
“It certainly wasn’t the path I had assumed I would take! When I got to 38 and found myself single, I knew I didn’t want to miss out on motherhood – and nor did I want to date to a deadline. A friend of mine from school [Genevieve Roberts] happened to have written a book about solo motherhood, and the idea of doing it myself slowly turned from this crazy idea into a reality – I was slightly incredulous all the way up until Rafferty arrived. It was baby steps – all the way to the baby!”
On the challenges
“Covid was a bit of a spanner in the works. I really had to battle over whether to do the embryo transfer, as it coincided with the start of the outbreak and we didn’t know much about how it affected pregnancies. At the same time, all the fertility clinics were closing their doors, so it was a bit ‘now or never’. That added another layer of stress. And, of course, I chose to have a baby on my own, but the pandemic meant I was really on my own. Nobody was allowed to my appointments and even after Rafferty was born, I was very limited in the sort of help I could get.”
And the positives
“The moment Rafferty was born, the two years of anguish and decision-making and IVF and panic fell away – I knew I had made the greatest decision of my life.
“Also, I had expected so much judgement about my path to motherhood, but ultimately the person doing all the judgement was me. Everyone I told was thrilled for me. I just wish I had known it was going to work. The stress of the unknown and the ticking clock is almost too much to bear – if someone could pop back from the future and tell you it was all going to be OK, it would really help!”
On the support
“I am very lucky to have my sister living on the next street. I also made lovely friends at the National Childbirth Trust classes (even though it was on Zoom) and, weirdly enough, six houses in a row on my street all had babies at the same time, so I had that support extremely close by. My friends have been a godsend, too, and I wouldn’t have stayed sane without their emotional support. The same goes for my therapist.”
On how her perspective on motherhood has changed
“I think I realized that motherhood looks different to everyone. From solo mums like me, to mums who have used egg donors and surrogates, to mums through adoption. The image I had of a 2.4 family and a cookie-cutter template for motherhood is outdated. I feel proud to be part of a new wave breaking the mold a little.”
Afacan is the author of Bolder: Life Lessons from People Older and Wiser Than You, and of the newsletter Nesting.
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